I’m an adult, but I still like to acknowledge my half-birthday¹. Age is just a number. My half birthday happens to be my second favorite number. I thought I’d check in since the post I made around my birthday this year about being diagnosed with ADHD and Autism and how that clarity gave me the knowledge I needed to live a blissful and peaceful life. *cough* …

As we’ve seen this year, there’s been much a hubbub about autism and how some people view it as something to be cured. All I can offer is my experience. I don’t view this is an ailment, but just a different neurotype. I feel the need to reiterate, if you’ve met a person with autism, then you’ve met one person with autism. Experiences are different for every autistic person as it’s a spectrum (not less autistic to more autistic). I certainly don’t speak for anyone apart from myself.

Observations

As an autistic person, I’ve been adopting the phrase “Don’t hear what I didn’t say” to emphasize that I meant what I said literally. After reflecting on it, I’ve noticed how many neurotypical conversations rely on body language and other ritualistic norms to be understood. I’ve observed people repeatedly venting their frustrations to friends, colleagues, and family. To me, these conversations seem repetitive without taking steps to change the outcome. However, people don’t seek advice; they vent as an outlet. I recall a friend asking me before starting a conversation, “Are you looking for guidance/advice, or do you just want to vent?” This is a helpful opener for many conversations, and for me, it’s usually both. Now that I’ve been in therapy for a while, I’ve noticed that people often use their support systems as therapy². However, this approach may not always be effective because everyone’s experiences are unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. I used to respond to conversations as a problem solver, which is a built-in natural part of my personality. But that’s generally not what people are seeking. I’m actively working on elevating my listening skills and expressing that my perspective is personal and may not apply to everyone. Now that I know I’m autistic, I know my perspective is statistically not relatable, and that’s okay.

Now that I’ve mostly treated my ADHD⁴, my need for conversational stimulation has decreased, meaning I’ve become even more of a hermit. Contrary to what people might think of me, I consider myself to have vampire autism⁵, meaning if you don’t invite me into a conversation, ask me a question, or an event, I’m not going to invite myself in⁶. Trying to find a proper entry point INTO a conversation is excruciating, and I make the assumption that most of the time, people don’t really care what I have to say⁷. I don’t like talking about myself, but if you ask me a direct question about myself, I won’t avoid it. That’s something I am working on⁸.

Being misinterpreted is something I’ve had to deal with for a very long time, and now I know that’s not an uncommon experience with autistic people. I communicate with a different communication style compared to neurotypical people. I remember a situation when I was pretty young where my cousin had a break-up with her boyfriend, and I asked “where’s your boyfriend been?” or something to that nature, and I got told “you can’t ask that”. I had no context as I didn’t know. I’ve asked pretty direct questions to people. I am a direct communicator, but I’m still misinterpreted.

It’s clear in my mind, but translating that into clear and concise speech can be challenging. I often feel that people have an exaggerated caricature of me, lacking nuance⁹. Perhaps everyone struggles with this? One common misconception is that I dislike people, which isn’t entirely true. I’m simply very selective about whom I associate with, a result of decades of having my trust broken, being misinterpreted, and navigating life in a neurotypical world as a neurodivergent person without realizing it. I like conversing with people, but not generally in a group of people in a loud space. Those times when I get to talk directly to someone are a vastly different experience to me. Another misconception is that I’m very opinionated and thrust my opinions onto others, when in reality I’m not concerned about what people think about things. If you ask for my opinion and then disagree, is it my fault?

Recently, I’ve noticed the subconscious draw to many neurodivergent individuals over the course of my personal history. Many people don’t usually ask clarifying questions; they hear one thing, draw conclusions, and move on. I’m not claiming to be immune to this myself; I’ve done that too. This isn’t a vague post or a response to anything specific. Don’t hear what I didn’t say. I just wanted to follow up on my last post on this subject.

Future

While my diagnosis was genuinely reassuring, it didn’t necessarily provide me with a clear roadmap for my next steps in life. However, one thing I’ve been quite firm about since then is that I don’t want to conform to neurotypical standards. So much advice given to neurodivergent individuals is “have you tried not doing that?” which essentially means “please conform.” I don’t believe that’s a unique experience to only neurodivergent individuals. I think it applies to a significant portion of American culture, particularly corporate culture. I counter with “How ‘bout no?”

I’ve been trying to figure out how I can function without everything being a life draining experience. I think I mentioned in birthday post that I’ve noticed a boost in energy comparatively to my years not accommodating myself. That means giving myself grace when I’m not feeling productive, and planning buffer time before and after time around social engagements¹⁰. Unfortunately, that’s not how many corporate jobs work. I don’t know where I fit into things still. I still have a lot of uncertainty of what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m trying to break out of the mindset that I’m in a sunk cost fallacy. The future is of my making, and I know that, but I’ve got to find a trailhead first.

Some of this is just breaking out of my thoughts, and just doing things, which I’ve been able to do this year. I am also working on to better promote myself and expressing my talents. What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

And That’s a Wrap (Sort Of)

I’m not trying to portray myself as an impeccable individual who has never made mistakes or who will only do things my way. I’m quite aware of my flaws¹¹. However, I’m committed to continuously learning and adapting to become a better person. I try to avoid overthinking the past, which is different from reflecting on it. I believe reflection involves some form of growth or change over time. On the other hand, overthinking involves dwelling on the past and contemplating everything I could have done differently. I need to understand that I can simply exist, and if people don’t like me, that’s not necessarily my responsibility to bear. I will continue to write here, to at very least express myself in a way I feel comfortable, which is writing a long overly verbose blog post instead of just saying “I’m fine.”

1. and confusing people to when my actual birthday is. Hint: it’s not today. ↩
2. I’ve also had a pretty positive experience with therapy but I understand that it can be a mixed bag. ↩
3. Also, it’s hard not to interpret many Vulcans as autistic coded. ↩
4. That’s a whole OTHER topic and I am working on it continuously. ↩
5. “Vampire autism” is a lighthearted, informal term used within autistic communities to describe an autistic trait related to social communication. It refers to the need for explicit verbal invitations in social situations, drawing an analogy to the fictional myth that vampires cannot enter a house without being invited inside. ↩
6. Obviously there’s a lot of nuance to this depending on the context of who I’m with, where I am, topic of conversation. ↩
7. Unless they tap into a piece of my hyperfixated obscure knowledge ore from the mines of my mind. ↩
8. Like right now in this high quality, locally sourced, brain to table blog post. ↩
9. Sometimes I go along and play into the bit too. ↩
10. Now that even means stepping away during social functions just to get a moment of respite. ↩
11. QUITE aware. ↩