It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I’ve been focusing on myself lately. Last year, I took the plunge of seeking professional help for my mental health. In fact, my theme for 2024¹ was health. 2022 and 2023 were not the best years for my mental well-being. When I turned 40, I was a little distraught that regardless of my accomplishments, I didn’t feel like I knew where I was headed for the next decade. For whatever reason, I had built up the expectation that I’d have things generally figured out by the time I turned 40. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. I felt like I had my life less figured out than a few years earlier.

Navigating the Dark Side: My Journey from ‘Choose Happiness’ to ‘Choose Medication’

I haven’t talked about it in a long time publicly, but I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for my entire adult life. Depression that’s put me in pretty dark places like suicidal ideation. Now, don’t worry, I’m not in that place right now, and I’m not looking for sympathy. In fact, I’m doing better than I have in quite some time. I’ve tried all the stereotypical things you’ve heard about handling depression: journaling, exercising, thinking about good things in my life, getting more rest², etc. But I decided to take the plunge and sought professional help. I started therapy and was treated with medication for my depression. And after working a few months, I can say it’s been really good on that front. Part of me wishes I would have had the courage to do it a lot sooner.

Unfortunately, we still don’t discuss mental health well as a society (at least here in the US). Some people perceive it as a weakness or a taboo, while others are confronted with social media posts about mindfulness or simply need to focus on the positive aspects of their lives. The worst I’ve heard is that happiness is just a decision: CHOOSE HAPPINESS³. For me, when I was in a depressive episode, thinking about what good things I had going on my life worked against me. I would be like yeah, I have no reason to be depressed, which made me feel worse. But emotions aren’t rational, and often times they cannot be defeated with rational thought, which works wonders for a rational minded person like myself. Even more concerning, when I felt depressed, I would self-isolate which compounded the issue. I chose medication, and I’m not embarrassed by that fact.

ADHD, Autism, and the Pandemic’s Surprise Plot Twist

The pandemic brought about a significant shift for everyone, and for many of us, it provided an opportunity to experience life differently than ever before. This unexpected catalyst led me to see myself in ways I really hadn’t focused on. There was a boom in online content on TikTok and Instagram, and some of that content was from people who had been either self-identified or were formally diagnosed with ADHD. At some point, the algorithm caught that I was watching these posts more, and with each one, I would be like “oh, I identify with that”, or “oh, that’s not normal?”. As time went on, I started collecting these reels in my notes to see what I identified with.

With all things posted on the internet, there does need to be some caution before you take things as completely factual or just people’s personal experiences. So, I started looking for resources and listening to podcasts about ADHD. I came to the conclusion that I did, in fact, have ADHD. It also explained things like in 2021 I had hyper fixated on a note taking program called Obsidian, and was literally going in deep with it⁴. Over the last few years, I started viewing things I did with an ADHD lens, how I was able to think about connections, or go down rabbit holes on Wikipedia, etc. I also looked at the negative things for myself, like not being intrinsically motivated by things that I had no interest in, or having difficulty finishing large projects or starting things and never coming back to them. A long time ago I was criticized by a friend that I would start a video game, but then never finish it or come back to it. I joked about having “gaming ADD”… turns out, I had actual ADHD. I used to beat myself up about that, thinking if I just tried harder, or pushed through I should, in fact, finish a video game before starting a new one.

But wait, there’s a twist. In addition to identifying with a lot of content from folks with ADHD, I also identified with things from autistic folks. There is indeed a lot of overlap with ADHD and autism. Initially, I wasn’t certain if that was the case, but as I mentioned earlier, the pandemic brought about a shift, and I had the opportunity to live life differently. During this time, I identified that I had some sensitivity to certain sounds and noises, take things literally, have trouble maintaining friendships, along with other traits commonly associated with autism. Additionally, I found great enjoyment in working from home and noticed a significant increase in my energy levels after a day’s work. I used to come home from work and need a good hour or more before I could do anything else. The same applied for social functions. My weekends were generally for rest.

Another example: a few years ago, Erica and I attended a concert, and I was thoroughly miserable and sensory overloaded. While I’ve attended concerts before, some experiences have been enjoyable, while others have been unpleasant⁵. I’ve always been overwhelmed when multiple people are speaking simultaneously. The most significant aspect that resonated with me was a clear and straightforward communication style that is often misinterpreted as rude or confrontational. When asking questions, particularly in professional settings, I was perceived as challenging authority. In my mind, I seek context and details to better comprehend and subsequently communicate my thoughts. I say what I mean.

The thing here is, Reader, I couldn’t be autistic because I have been able to work and hold down a job quite successfully, or that I’m just introverted, or I am just different. How would I not know?

In truth, I had once questioned myself if I was autistic about 7 or 8 years ago. I was reacting to something at work quite differently than everyone else. I was often told that I wore my emotions on my sleeve, and that I needed to stop doing that, as part of a professional review (otherwise I was a star employee). I even stated multiple times that I need time to process bad news (or stupid decisions)⁶. But I dismissed it back then, because of how autism is portrayed in media, as well as numerous misconceptions perpetrated by the internet. I thought I just needed to be better, and adapt.

Why am I sharing this with you at all? Well, for starters, I recently received a formal diagnosis of both ADHD and autism. I had been contemplating whether to disclose this publicly. The current political climate is not ideal, given the ongoing hysteria surrounding the alleged link between vaccines and autism. The general public seems to believe that disabilities should be eliminated or cured, rather than accommodating individuals with unique needs. It’s disheartening to see the lack of understanding and empathy among people. Additionally, the criteria for autism are mostly identified in male children, while it presents differently in girls and women. It doesn’t always get detected and as a result people have to adapt to a world that really works against them even though they are trying harder than anyone. Add to all of this with people throwing around statements like “isn’t everyone a little ADHD or autistic?” or “autism is a superpower”, or people “suffer from their autism”. Autism is called a spectrum disorder, but most people imagine a straight line of not autistic to very autistic, when in reality it’s multidimensional. People have different needs. I’m fortunate that I don’t have many support needs. However, I realize that things could have been different for me if I was identified earlier. Having both ADHD and autism makes it even more FUN⁷ and complex.

I’m writing here, mostly for myself. I don’t expect anyone to see or treat me differently. I’ve often been told as part of professional advice, “you need to get out of your comfort zone”. That’s my secret Cap, I’m always outside of my comfort zone. I think we really need as a society to reconsider how we treat people with ADHD, autism, and other neurodivergent conditions. We treat people with challenges as if it’s a moral failing on their part. We need to provide resources (especially to those with greater needs). It’s not a fad that more people are being identified later in life. I don’t want to be autistic. I wish I could turn off my brain and go on autopilot and “not care”⁸. I can’t tell you how many times I wish I could just relate to other people easily. People have shared their stories, and people feel more comfortable talking about it, which is why we’re seeing it more. The same way we used to think people that were left-handed were demons⁹, but actually, nope, we just identified it and studied it and it became normalized, and it turns out it’s a steady percentage.

I can assume that this is probably true of several neurodivergent conditions¹⁰, but we live in a society that again treats these things as a strength of character, rather than people just being different. A popular quote in the autism community: “When you meet one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism”. People are built differently. People are different from one another. I was always taken aback when people would be disgusted at other people’s favorite foods or colors. Like, yeah, we’re different. Our differences are what allow for so many wonderful things in this world to be represented.

(anyhow, I’m getting off topic… let’s blame that on the ADHD)

I write here mostly so I can be true to myself. I am who I am, and I need not be afraid of that any longer. I will continue to better myself, and work on things, and understand myself. I will also go easier on myself, and stop beating myself up about expectations about how things should be. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” It’s taken me forty-three years to reach this point. While I can empathize with Past Jared, who yearned for understanding and feel sorry for him, I remain optimistic about Future Jared and believe that things will improve. I write for those who have experienced negative feelings of depression, anxiety, or other challenges, so they know that they are not alone. Remember, advice from others may not always be the best fit for you. It wasn’t for me. I’ve been doing things on hard mode forever.

1. Instead of doing new year’s resolutions, I have been employing a theme for each year. This allows some freedom in how you approach it, and can help with how you think about the year by seeing a mindset. ↩
2. Paradoxically when I’m depressed, sleep comes MUCH more easily as I’m generally exhausted and sleep more than I should. ↩
3. Fuck anyone that’s ever said that without consideration of other people or what is going on in their life. ↩
4. Also, for me, I realize now that Obsidian is great for me personally with ADHD because it allows for a lot of fragmented thoughts to be captured. ↩
5. I’ve since worn earplugs and it was transformative. ↩
6. People who deliver bad news on Friday deserve their own circle in hell. ↩
7. translation: not fun ↩
8. Also professional advice I’ve been given in my career. ↩
9. Seriously, people thought it was wicked to be left handed and were disciplined for who they were. ↩
10. As well as transgender and nonbinary people too. ↩